Saturday, January 5, 2013

The Secrets of Adoption

I hesitate to share about how difficult adoption truly is.  I don't want to run off future parents.  On the other hand, if anyone had told me how awful the whole process would be, I doubt I'd have believed him.

I didn't know there was such a thing as Post-Adoption Depression.  Everyone knows about Postpartum Depression; there are hormonal reasons for that.  But did you know that PAD is also common?  And not only when you've just taken in the newly-minted member(s) of your family; I have experienced PAD after both adoptions were finalized -- years after the children came to live with me.

I didn't understand that I will never be "enough" for my kids.  There will always be a hunger in them for their first parents.  Not only do I have to be okay with them longing for moms who are no longer in the picture, I also have to learn to be okay with the fact that I can never "fix" this for them.  I cannot heal this pain.  Barring a miraculous healing, there will always be an ache in them, similar to the constant, unwavering homesickness I feel as an adult missionary kid.

I didn't realize that I could love my child without feeling loving toward her.  The first one came so tiny and sweet, sleeping well, eating well, snuggling up on my lap to drink his milk cup, I fell in love immediately.  (Well, immediately after the first day when I formally apologized to him for having to change his diaper and wipe "down there".)  Then my heart was ripped to shreds when he went back to his bio mom.  So when the next one came along, I guarded my heart a little more.  And she was tough!  Loud shrieking all hours of day and night.  The only word she deigned to speak was "NO!".  She did not want to cuddle or be comforted.  It's like raising a miniature version of my big sister.  When she went back, it was a relief for a few weeks.

Now she's mine officially and permanently, and I find I have to deliberately give myself permission to feel loving towards her.  I've come to realize that although I don't feel the warm fuzzies toward her as often, I do love her, and those feelings will come in time.  I think the best analogy of this is of an arranged marriage: you get into the marriage and then work toward building love and trust.

I didn't believe that after working so hard and long to adopt these little cherubs, there would be days when I would wish I could call their case workers and send them back!  Come to find out, every mother thinks that at some point.  Maybe we are a normal family.

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