It's never really finished...

The thing with adoption is it's never really completed.  If you give birth to a baby, you go to all your doctor appointments, you eat right, take your prenatal vitamins, go into labor, deliver the baby, name him/her, take the child home, and fall into a sleep-deprived routine for the next 18 to 20 years.  And that child is yours, only yours, always-has-been yours, always-will-be yours.

Adoption is not like that, whether "closed" (very rare now) or "open" or somewhere in between.  My children, much as they are mine, will never be only mine, never be always-have-been mine, never even be always-will-be mine.  Yes, I am "Mom".  But they have first moms out there.  Those young women will never stop being my children's moms.  They were mom first.  They carried my children, felt them move, gave up overpowering addictions for a time to protect them, gave birth to them, parented the best they could, and then relinquished them.  I don't know what kind of pain, guilt, grief goes into saying, "Just take him with you."

I will never be my children's only mom.  There will come a day when they say, "You aren't my real mom!"  I've already heard, "I want to go live with my tummy mom!"  There will come a day when they want to meet their first moms again.  I don't dread it, any more than I dread them growing up, but I know it will be emotional and painful and messy.  I pray I will be kind and confident and loving and open -- and then back off and give everyone some space!

I am not my children's only mom now.  Their moms show up, now and then.  Sometimes sober, sometimes not so much so.  Sometimes in the news.  Sometimes on the inmate list.  Sometimes clean and happy with plans for a future.  And I never know what to do.  Do I "protect" my children by refusing contact that comes only sporadically?  Do I "selfishly" keep my children from building a relationship with their real moms?  Damned if I do, damned if I don't.  There's no easy answer.

Adoption is never really finished...

Part-time Parenting

When I first started fostering, I ran into an acquaintance at the store.  She asked me about my foster son.  When I explained that I was a foster parent, she responded: "So you're, like, a part-time parent?"
Really? Which part is "part-time"?  Perhaps it's the meeting with the case workers.  Or the certifier.  Maybe she meant all the phone calls with the CASA*, or going to the CRB* meetings.  Possibly it's the extra doctor appointments to catch up on missed immunizations.  Or the developmental screenings.  Or the WIC* appointments.  Or the sleeping outside a RAD* child's door so he doesn't get up and harm someone in the night.
Yes, it's like being a part-time parent, on top of being a full-time parent.

CASA -- Court Appointed Special Advocate, who speaks to the judge on the child's behalf, and is usually the only one who can really say how s/he feels about the whole situation.
CRB -- Community Review Board oversees the county foster care system; their main question seems to be "Has the child seen a dentist yet?"  (Ummm, no, we've ben working on getting the child to eat more than chicken nuggets, and getting her to say her first word at 2 years old.)
WIC -- Women, Infants, and Children, a program that provides nutritious food and training for low-income families with children under five; for years they provided peanut butter, but no bread, and frosted shredded wheat, but not plain.
RAD -- Reactive Attachment Disorder, when a child fails to bond with his first caregiver, and cannot bond with anyone after that; results in the child giving threats such as, "I'm going to burn down the house!" or "I'm going to eat grass and take off all my clothes!"  (The latter threat being somewhat ineffective, unless he meant to make us all laugh.)